nuninuni…

i think i’ve doing pretty well for someone who just had a break up. well, technically it was long over due anyway. i’ve been going out lately and having therapy–literally, shopping. haha! i think that’s every girl’s therapy anyway.

• just a while ago i was going through my computer files. literally just scanning them. and then suddenly here comes a picture of me and john. i actually found myself laughing at the picture.
• Last week at century park hotel, a hotel guest bought two tickets for Cebu. what’s funny is that he looks exactly like john–skintone, face, outfit and all. i didn’t feel that “kaba” that i would have normally felt, nor did i feel sad and depressed all over again. I felt nothing but the urge to laugh out loud. i couldn’t believe it was happening. hahaha!
• Since the day we broke up, the only song my office mate Eman played on his pc is “i’ll be” by edwin mccain. that was our first dance years ago (john and i).
• Since the day we broke up, everything seemed to remind me of john.

normally, i’d take these things as signs. signs that i should try to work things out with john. BUT,  i dont see them as sgns anymore. i cant explain it either.but for some reason, i just don’t think and feel that way anymore.

the only thing i’ve been doing since the day we broke up? therapy–shopping. i’ve done nothing but shop, shop shop. for the past four years i don’t think i’ve pampered myself this much. and frankly, i am enjoying every second of it.  

Candy and i went out recently. it was a girls’ night out. we went to greenbelt, had a drink or two, and just had plain fun. our main motive was just to go out and catch up on each other’s lives. i didn’t realize it was going to be so much fun, and irritating at the same time. first a couple of guys approached us and asked if we wanted to party with them. i declined, in a really nice way of course. later on, a couple of guys were squeazing themselves into our group. candy and i left the bar, since we could feel our personal space getting invaded. they introduced themselves to jesse, and she introduced them to us. the guy wanted to meet me. 

I appreciate that guys actually came up to me and wanted to get to know me. i think that was the perfect thing i needed to boost my self confidence. the only thing i didn’t like? the fatc that i’d be with guys i barely knew. i wan’t that heartbroken to go out with guys i barely knew. candy and i left in short. we didn’t need guys to have fun. we didn’t go out to meet new guys either.

i love the fact that my reaction seems to explain the way i’ve grown as a person. did i mature already? i think so.

Scrat

Sometimes the things that we think can kill us can actually help us live again. For the past four years I was in a relationship with a guy. Don’t get me wrong, he’s great in so many ways. It’s just that sometimes shit happens, henceforth I realize that everything isn’t going perfectly as planned.

The saying “it isn’t the falling out that’s hard–it’s the sudden top” is actually true. Our decision to break up did hurt me a lot. But eventually I realized that life without him isn’t so bad after all. I have more time for my family, more time for my friends, and more time to pamper myself.

For a moment or two, I thought that our relationship was “it”. Later on I realized that I deserve a lot more than what I’m getting. I deserve to be treated well, like woman, and not just a friend. I deserve all the love and effort that a guy can give. I deserve more that what I actually had in the past. I do not regret my past, nor do I regret having John in my life. It’s just that after everything I’ve done to save the relationship, I’m just exhausted. I have no regrets whatsoever because I know that I did everything I could. I’ve exhausted all means and all effort for the relationship to work out; and if he can’t see that, well, I’m truly sorry, but maybe I do deserve someone better…someone who’ll treat me better, and love me for who I really am.

For the longest time my self esteem shrunk to pea size. Often times I felt unattractive. But the break up was an eye opener for me. I’m trying to regain my confidence again. I know I’m pretty inside and out. And I don’t need a guy to tell me that, nor do I need a guy to remind me that. I should learn to love myself to the utmost level before I can love someone else. I want the next guy to love me for who I truly am—flaws and all. I promised myself never to settle for what’s just there. It’s easy to find gorgeous guys. But it’s a lot harder to find gorgeous guys with the right attitude and motive. I want him to be like Scrat from ice age 2—he’ll do anything and everything to get the acorn. Maybe it’s about time that a guy does everything to make me stay…not the other way around. Right?

blessings in disguise

sometimes the most depressing stuff that happen to us are actually blessings in disguise. It’s hard to see and understand at first, but sometimes if you think about it, it is actually true. my break up with john was very devastating, to be the least bit honest. i was sad (take note: sad, not depressed) at first, but when i think about it, it truly is a blessing in disguise.

For the longest time candy and i didn’t have the chance and time to go out. we were both preoccupied with work, and our breaks were usually reserved for our family/relationships. We’ve been planning to go out and have fun for the longest time, but something would always come up and we’d have to cancel.

Since John and i broke up, everyone noticed that i’ve been more outgoing, more fun to be with. i felt the same way too. often times people notice that i’m blooming, as i my life is going perfectly well. well…maybe it is. Maybe the break up had to happen so i can regain my confidence, and so i could actually breathe fresh air into my life again.

For quite some time i’ve noticed my self esteem go down. i have no idea why. is it because i’m fed up with my job? because of the people around me? or because of my relationship? maybe it’s the last one…just maybe.

i think i had to regain my confidence, and reassess my standards. and the break-up was God’s way of slapping me in the face so i ‘d wake up…